Grief: Yours, Mine & Ours
Living through a pandemic has meant losing many things that are important to us.
We grieve the loss of life and health for many who contract the virus. We grieve the loss of connection through schools, activities, and family gatherings while we’re stuck at home. And on top of all that, we feel the loss of control over our daily lives as routines and plans have been upended.
In our latest Pandemic Parenting Exchange webinar, Grief: Yours, Mine & Ours, we talked about different types of grief and how it may have been present for you, your child(ren), and your community. We were joined by guest Dr. Margaret Blaustein who shared her expertise as a practicing clinical psychologist specializing in childhood trauma.
Table of Contents
This webinar was dedicated in loving memory to Mariana Baserga, one of Dr. Amanda Zelechoski’s oldest and dearest friends. Mariana passed away last September after a long journey with breast cancer. She would have been 40 years old next week.
After covering our minimum costs, any funds we received from August 30 - September 8th will be donated to the Mariana Baserga Moving Barriers Fund. Mariana was passionate about education for first generation students and underserved youth and worked closely with the parent organization, El Monte Promise. This fund goes toward covering fees for college applications, SAT/ACT registration, and college enrollment.
Key Moments & Shared Resources
Listen back to specific questions posed by our moderator, Dr. Gideon Litherland. Included below are links that we shared in the webinar’s chat.
(5:50) What is grief and why are we talking about it tonight in relation to parents and COVID-19?
“How to Pack to Say Goodbye” (grief journey blog by Dr. Amanda Zelechoski)
(9:01) What kinds of things are you all grieving? And what are you finding that parents, kids, and families are grieving right now?
“Hey You: It’ OK to Grieve the ‘Small’ Things You’ve Lost During the COVID-19 Outbreak” (by Lauren Rockwell)
(15:50) How do children express grief? Does it look different from the way adults express grief?
(18:48) What about the “stages of grief” that are often talked about in popular culture?
(22:40) How do the specifics of COVID-19 make coping with grief different than other kinds of traumatic events or disasters that people might experience?
(31:32) How can parents, teachers, or other adults who care for kids, help kids cope with their grief….considering the loss of their “old life” or what was normal - even if temporary?
(36:20) How do we know or recognize in our kids, or in ourselves, when it’s gone from “normal” grieving to depression or something more concerning?
(38:48) How can caretakers help prevent this grieving process from turning into something more serious, like depression?
(43:45) My kids talk a lot about what we can do “When the virus is over,” and I sometimes remind them of things we used to do or places they used to go. Can this backfire? Should I not talk about their “old lives” or focus them on the virus being gone at some point (hopefully!)?
(47:05) There seems to be a lot of shame related to grieving the “small things” or, even minimizing our grief because others have it so much harder? What should we do with that?
Live Q&A
(52:28) How do I cope with my grief of what my child is missing?
(55:49) Are there any children’s books about grief/loss that you would recommend?
Trinka and Sam (YouTube Reading)
Trinka and Sam Coloring Books (downloadable in several languages)
(58:30) Are the tips for dealing with grief applicable to help reduce the hypersensitive/hypervigilant accumulated stress response?
(1:01:43) Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the complexity of grief for healthcare workers working directly with COVID and the impact that work has on our families?
“Standards of Care Guidelines” (Green Cross Academy of Traumatology)
(1:04:52) What are some of the positives to emerge from all this loss for each of you?
Reflection Questions
Webinars and resources are all well and good, but having a ton of information is only as helpful as you can do something with it. Take a few moments to reflect on the following questions as you process the insights and tips that stood out most to you.
What kinds of losses related to COVID-19 have you and your child(ren) grieved - big and small?
How has COVID-19 affected how you grieve losses - big and small?
What are some things that you are grateful for, and how can you focus on noticing or honoring these things each day?
What are some things (even small things!) you can do to “fill your own cup” or “put on your own oxygen mask” so you can protect your mental health and show up for others too?
Are there any positive things to have emerged from the losses you have experienced this year?
Additional Resources We’ve Found Helpful
Podcast
“David Kessler and Brené Brown on Grief and Finding Meaning” (on Unlocking Us with Brené Brown)
Books
Our Guest Expert Dr. Margaret Blaustein’s book (Treating Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents, Second Edition: How to Foster Resilience through Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competency; with co-author, Kristine Kinniburgh)
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief (by David Kessler)
Trinka and Sam Children’s Books (Piplo Productions)
Ready to Remember: Jeremy’s Journey of Hope and Healing (The National Child Trauma Stress Network)
Mama, Can I Sleep with You Tonight? Helping Children Cope with the Impact of COVID-19 (by Jenny Delacruz)
Right Now: I Am Fine (by Dr. Daniela Owen)
List of Grief-Related Children’s Books (M Health)
Articles
“Childhood Traumatic Grief: Information for Parents and Caregivers” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network)
“That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief” (Harvard Business Review, March 23, 2020)
“Grief and COVID-19: Mourning our Bygone Lives” (American Psychological Association, April 1, 2020)
“To Process Grief over COVID-19, Children Need Empathetic Listening” (Scientific American, June 18, 2020)
“Helping Children with Traumatic Separation or Traumatic Grief Related to COVID-19” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network)
“The Power of Parenting During the COVID-19 Pandemic: Mourning the Death of a Loved One” (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network)
Key Moments From This Webinar
How do we detect signs of grief in our children?
How does COVID-19 make coping with grief different from other traumatic events that people experience?
How do we detect signs of grief versus signs of depression?
How do we deal with grief in an appropriate and balanced way?
Meet Our Guest & Moderator
Margaret E. Blaustein, Ph.D.
Margaret E. Blaustein, Ph.D., is a practicing clinical psychologist whose career has focused on the understanding and treatment of complex childhood trauma and its sequelae. With an emphasis on the importance of understanding the child-, the family-, and the provider-in-context, her work has focused on identification and translation of key principles of intervention across treatment settings, building from the foundational theories of childhood development, attachment, and traumatic stress. With Kristine Kinniburgh, Dr. Blaustein is co-developer of the Attachment, Regulation, and Competency (ARC) treatment framework (Kinniburgh & Blaustein, 2005), and co-author of the text, Treating Complex Trauma in Children and Adolescents: Fostering Resilience through Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competence (Blaustein & Kinniburgh, 2010, 2018 (2nd Ed.)). Dr. Blaustein is currently the Director of the Center for Trauma Training in Needham, MA, and is the parent of two amazing children and five furry creatures.
Gideon Litherland, Ph.D.
Our moderator, Dr. Gideon Litherland is a Clinical Lecturer in the Counseling@Northwestern master’s program (CACREP-accredited) at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, where he teaches, supervises, and serves on the clinical training team. He has worked with children, parents, and families as a child and adolescent therapist to address acute and chronic stressors. During his time in community mental health, Dr. Litherland worked alongside school counselors and psychologists to attend to the needs of clients and their families. Presently, Dr. Litherland is a Clinical Counselor, Supervisor, and Consultant at Veduta Consulting, LLC, in Chicago, IL.
Pandemic Parenting is a collaboration between two psychologists, scholars, and moms committed to sharing their expertise and research in ways that are immediately accessible and useful to families. Learn more about Dr. Amanda Zelechoski and Dr. Lindsay Malloy.